Tuesday, 26 July 2011

The Case of the Horrible Ex - One Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure!


I said would never do this, but just feel I need to get this out! So here it is...

Let's back track a little shall we...I was with my son's father for about 10 years (on and off). We had little man five years into the relationship. We met back in college, and I was the one that was too forward. I had talked to my friend about him so much that she decided to go tell him, and I did nothing to stop her. If not for my son, I would curse that day, but God has been good.

Anyways, we were together on and off for a while, and I supported him through a lot. And as remember it, he offered no support to me at all. Can't remember a single time.

Back in 2006, we decided to give things one final go. As far as I knew, everything was going great. In the time we were together he got a decent job and I was ecstatic as it meant I would finally have some financial support from him, right? Wrong! Flash forward a little to Easter period 2007, my family were going to Naija for my cousin's wedding. I thought it was the perfect opportunity for him to see my country and meet my extended family (I don't know why I thought that because he'd shown very little appreciation for my family that he had met so far).

He decided to come, so I was surprised when I asked him for some of our son's ticket money, that he was reluctant. It was like I was begging him. So I didn't dare ask for money for our son's immunisation. That would have been pushing it. 

Anyways, we went to Naija and I noticed a change in him whilst we were there, but I shrugged it off for the most part. We got into a few arguments, but nothing major. 

We came back to London and he was still acting strange. I couldn't figure him out. A couple of days after we'd been back we had a biggish argument, played it cool whilst his family came round. I cooked for everyone, they all ate, then left. Then he told me it was over. I can see it now, but didn't see it coming at the time.

Anyway, I made a fool of myself, trying to reason with him, trying to fully understand what I'd done. He said I was too aggressive and argumentative. He called me all sorts of names, including a gold-digger - because I'd invited him to Naija and then expected him to have to put his money down. So he expected me to foot the bill for everything?! N.B. I only asked him for money towards little man's ticket, today, in my right sense, I would expect him to pay for all three of us! Imagine! LOL!

 He was adamant that God had told him that I was not the one for him (this was the second time he'd said such, previously he came back and said he'd missed God). God I thank You for revealing this to the one that was ready to receive this word! He said he needed to leave me to have a closer walk with God because I was a hindrance of some sort (so I no be God's child too abi?) He was going to do God's work and I wasn't in the equation.

This guy had done so much to break me down. During that relationship I lost so much confidence, I just disappeared. I was a shell of my former self. During our relationship we had both become born again and joined a church. He used every opportunity to try to control me with the Word of God. Not allowing Holy Spirit to do His work in me. He was God's mouth-piece, His right -hand man, the deliverer of God's will! Smh. He even once told me that God told him I wasn't his wife (we were engaged at this point), and God had showed him who his wife was (a fellow church member, who knew nothing of this revelation by the way). Oh the things I could tell you. The things I allowed myself to be subjected to. One of the things that irks me now is that this guy was so smooth in everything he did to oppress me. He appeared to be such a gentle guy who wouldn't hurt a fly (yeah, he didn't hurt a fly, it was me he was slowly destroying). He would generally speak softly and anything he said was a matter of fact. He had a scripture to back up everything. He knew the bible back to front. And my disagreement was me being argumentative and aggressive. Smh!

[Kai! Flash back! I remember when I was in labour (Chineke God!) and he told me to stop pulling faces as I looked ugly. Kai!!!! I don suffered o!!!! Heiiii!! That's how low my confidence was, I didn't even respond in anger. If na today a for don knock him out with one GBOSA!! Mscheeeewww!]


I would like to say he just left or I just evicted him, but I didn't. He had to find a place to live so I gave him a four week notice period. The hardest four weeks of my life! The atmosphere in my home was so unbearable. When it came to week three and I could see him making no attempts to move (dude was taking my kindness for a weakness) I set him straight and reminded him of the date (angrily of course) and warned him that if he wasn't gone by said date, he would find all his belongings outside!!!

He got the message and left on the agreed date.

I just dey look am. I cried to my God, prayed to my God, was mad at my God, the pain was too much at times. I questioned my God, fought with my God, distanced myself in anger from my God. Man, I went through the motions. I experienced every emotion. Would even cry in my sleep! I mean wake up with dry tears on my face. Then one day I said "God, let Your will be done!" That's when God showed up. (If I knew it was that easy, I could have saved myself a whole lot of tears. Lol).

Ok, flash forward four plus years since then, he's moved in with his girlfriend, got her pregnant, and then married her (yes, in that order, shocking for a man who left to walk so close to God don't ya think? Hmmm.)

Anyway, I changed. Those who knew me before the ex, said, I had returned to being the Buki they knew back in the day. Those that had only met whilst I was with him said I had changed! (Cue J.Hudd, ~I Am Changing!~ Lol). That's when I realised how oppressed I had been. 

My family was elated!!! I had my fire back! I was alive again! 

Ok, so, my wonderment tonight is this, my ex and I have been apart for four plus years now, and apparently both moved on. But I cannot understand his issue with me. He is constantly angry when dealing with me, to the point that all our communication is still by text. He has told me on numerous occasions that he can't stand me (ok, who really cares oh "man of God"?) and he's not my friend (I've long realised that now). For someone who didn't want anything to do with me, moved on, and should be happily married there's just too much anger.

Is it because he thought I would never get up from the crumpled state he left me in? Could it be that he can't take the glare of my widely spread wings? Could it be that he thought he'd finished me off to the point that no other would ever see anything in me?

Oh well! If God isn't finished with you, no man can finish you! There is light after dark. Though weeping may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning!

Yesterday I sent him a text letting him know enough was enough, there was just no need for all this animosity. It had to end. His response? Unfortunately, it wasn't a surprise. Same old same old. So I'll just leave it there and let God deal with him. He is after all His child.

I'm not going to pretend that I was like "whatever, I'm over you" because for a while I really wasn't. I was just hurt. But eventually, the hurt turned to anger, then to hatred, then indifference, until now, when I can honestly say I've dealt with it. I'm good.

So many good things have happened to me since that relationship ended. No lie! I've bought my own home, renovated it (still a work in progress though ;)), studied to do what I'm passionate about (wedding planning :D), and I'm a much, much better mum!!!

Don't know why I went there, but I did. My message to anyone going through anything remotely similar, just know that this too shall pass. You will smile again, be yourself again, love again.

Not that the answer is in a new relationship. Not necessarily. It's in relying on God! Turning to Him and surrendering to Him. I'm just so grateful to God that He's shown me another way. Showing me that I'm lovable. I'm mostly grateful to God for removing me from such a destructive relationship. Honestly, had it not happened the way it did, I may very well still blindly be in that relationship. If a man (or woman) is done with you, God can provide a better (correct) one! The bottom line is God knows best, and He will never throw you away! As long as there's life in you, be sure to know that He still has things in store for you!

The past four years have been a revelation of God's love for me!

Don't let anybody finish you!!!

Good night (oops, it's morning now lol) and God bless.



  1. after all your tears ...the sun is shining again..and u are smiling again..one of the rhema in the bible has taking root in your life "weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning"..
    live ur life sis..

  2. Yep, what doesn't kill you simply makes you stronger and you are STRONG! xx

  3. Wow buki! God is good o. Your ex was right about him not being the right person for you. And I am happy he paid attention to that voice or else you would have still being suffering miserably. I think his anger towards you is a reflection of his anger at himself for all he put you through. One day he will break down tearfully and beg for your forgiveness I can assure you that. I am glad you didn't marry him sha.
    As per the trying to initiate a mature friendship (for the sake of your son), I think you should let that rest for a while. From what I have gathered, I think to him its a reminder of the "you" he detested.....Like you mentioned "you were the one that was too forward". A man that cares about you wouldn't mind all that forwardness as you've come to realize ;) So i would just ignore him and play by his tune. If he takes a step, you take a step.
    As per the hurting bits, It is VERY NORMAL and it will eventually pass. Remember, it is okay to cry every now and then, it is okay to still feel the hurt, and it is okay to miss them. Basically, be true and real with your emotions, allow them to run through you, OUT. Constantly remind yourself WHY you cannot be with that person, even though you have these feelings. I firmly believe it takes you as long as you've known someone, to TRULY get over them. .sometimes even longer. Each day it gets better but somedays it might be an overflow of emotions. 10 years is a LONG time to be in a relationship. And from the read, I can tell you invested most emotionally in the relationship....like most of us women "sighs" Sadly, I know the feeling :(
    What I eventually learned from my experience was that men are animalistic in nature, they like doing the chasing while we women like to be chased. A Woman "Chasing" can also be perceived through acts of kindness, overly readily to offer help, etc. Most men would salivate for women as such but a few bad ones sees it as a reason to back off..."she is too desperate"......"she is too aggressive....blah blah blah"
    From the little experience I have gathered from marriage, I can comfortable say, its best for a man being more convicted about the woman he is with, than the woman being more convicted about the man. I have heard older women say that loads of times but I am beginning to see why now. Of course the best situation would be the both of them being equally convicted.
    You are a beautiful woman and I am glad God delivered you from that situation! I thank God.
    Sorry for the long comment :(

  4. I am so touched by your story. Thank you so much for sharing from your heart. I have learned that I should wait patiently on God. I am so happy for you and your new found freedom and healing. May God Bless you and continue to favor you as you seek to follow Him. God Bless You!

  5. Wow!!

    You are a strong woman.
    I always pray that women can realise that a man is only an appendage. No more, no less. We come to this world alone....and more than likely, we die alone. So, your destiny is in your hands.

    I do not want you to regret anything that happened before. It all happened for a reason - to make you stronger and to help others.

    Of course, your ex is angry. There was something about you that made him feel less of a man - perhaps your intelligence or family background. I wont be surprised to hear that your family are probably more educated or financially well off than his. This happens in most cases. A man who feels insecure aims to finish the confidence of the woman he's with.

    I absolutely cannot stand ignoramuses who hide behind the cloak of Faith.

    Stay strong. Whenever you have to deal with him, just pretend you are dealing with a child. How do you deal with a child?? By being the adult - civil, diplomatic and calm.

    Not everyone in a mental institution is crazy and not everyone on the street is sane. You might not be dealing with a rational human being. Stay strong, stay safe.

  6. Amazing..Thank God for your life..I like when you said if a man is done with you God isnt..:) Congrats on your hubby.God is still in the business of working miracles.:)

  7. I am sorry you had to go through all these. Am so happy you can smile again. My sister went thru a similar thing but am glad she's very happy now.

  8. @Dammy Jewel,
    Amen o! I thank God for the testimony.

    @Mindie's Kemi Stree,
    Yay! you commented. :D I can hear your roar from all the way over here! Thanks babes. xx

    @Mrs Newlywed,
    Oh wow! Thanks for taking the time to make a long comment. I appreciate it! I know re: how much women tend to invest in relationships, but it's all good when it's with someone that at least reciprocates some.
    I've heard about that equation - "it takes you as long as you've known someone, to TRULY get over them." But I'm pleased to say that he's no longer under my skin the way he used to be.
    Oh my goodness! My mum has said something similar to what you said about a man's conviction - "its best for a man being more convicted about the woman he is with, than the woman being more convicted about the man." I'm afraid this is a lesson I've had to learn the hard way, but I'm glad I now know.
    Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

    Thank you so much for your prayer! I say Amen! And I encourage you to continue to wait patiently on the Lord. He absolutely knows best.
    Thanks for passing by and commenting. :)

    Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You know, regarding his anger, I never thought of it like that, but now you mention it...
    I'll heed to your advice and continue to rise above it.
    You are so right, I've wondered about his mental state so many times. Smh.
    Thanks so much for your comment and encouragement again.
    Much appreciated. :)

    Amen! And thank you! ;)
    Oh yes o, God is most definitely still in the business of working miracles for sure!
    Thanks for commenting.

    @Ope Adebayo,
    Thank you! And I'm most pleased for your sister. May she also go from strength to strength. Amen!

    Thank you ALL so much for your love and support. Much appreciated.

  9. This is so touching. It must have been a very hard time for you, suffering such low self esteem. What he said to you during your time of labour is the height of insensitivity. It is so sad such people are parading themselves as christians just because they have crammed the bible.
    I thank God for where you are today

  10. @@ilola,
    Thanks so much!
    I know, what shocked me the most was my reaction - no reaction! Smh!
    I thank God that chapter of my life is over!
    Thanks again.

  11. "Don't let anybody finish you" that's something I'd hold unto. You really went through a lot, I wouldn't wish this for anybody. What kind of Christian is that? giving the actual Christians bad names. Thank God it's all over and you learnt a lot too.

    First time on your blog and it's really nice.

  12. @Coy~Introvert,
    Yes o! That's most definitely something to hold on to.
    I thank God for lessons learned.
    Thank you so much for coming by, commenting and following my blog.
    Much appreciated. :)

  13. even though you warned it was a long post, I read every single line. Its so amazing how men try to really work on the mind of women and make them feel like they're less of who they should be. I mean! Good thing you left him and didnt 'hang in there' for the sake of your son. Thank God for you Buki!

  14. Wow you are brave! This is something a lot of women wouldn't be able to face. Walk out of a long relationship? Esp one with a child involved? I really admire your courage. You can't force things to go your way, God will only make all things beautiful in his own time. This is a great reminder that it doesn't matter how bad it gets, when he's ready, he'll step in and do his job. Thank you for sharing this. You have no idea how many ladies need to read this.
    God will continue to be your strength esp to help you raise that child conveniently.

  15. Wow Buki, you have been through a lot at the hands of this guy.I believe some people are sent from hell to demoralize us, break us and reduce us into nothing!Thank God for God!!!

  16. wow this is an amazing story and its nice that u thought of sharing it. He obviously has issues with u but who cares? u have a hubby that loves and understands u. I think u shld forget about him and leave him in the past (where he belongs)

  17. This is deep. Thanks for sharing. Being behind physical bars is so much easier than being behind mental ones. I'm sorry to dig it up but I can't believe he said you should stop making faces when you were in labour!!! I was WEAK when I read that... It is well and I thank God for His presence in your life... It is well.

  18. @Sisi Yemmie,
    Yes o! See how some men do women! I call it "working brain". I thank God for giving me a way out.
    Thanks for commenting.
    Hope all is well jare.

    Amen and amen! I do hope this encourages anyone going through anything remotely similar. God has bigger and better for them!
    Thanks for your words of encouragement.

    @Chic Therapy,
    Exactly! Thank God for God indeed!
    Thank you.

    Oh yes o! I've left him way back there! But sometimes it's just good to look back to see how far you've come. I thank God for everything.
    Thanks my dear. :)

    Amen! It is well! I know, makes me weak thinking of my lack of reaction. Smh.
    God is so good though.
    Thank you for passing by and commenting. Much appreciated. :)

  19. ITs over - even better chapters to come.. God's card trumps all! :)

  20. Wow!lovely and inspirational blog.I'm so inspired by this story and I think I've got some chasing off to do.thx.have to follow this blog

  21. Thank God for the light at the end of your tunnel. You most definitely are a strong woman

  22. @angelsbeauty,
    Amen and amen!!! His card really does.
    Thanks for reading and commenting on my post. x

    @Emeh Achanga,
    Thank you so much! Abeg, start chasing off any time wasters o. Lol.

    Thanks so much for your kind words and for commenting. Much appreciated.