Thursday, 16 February 2012

Looking back...

Hello Lovely People!

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone that commented on my last post for your time and words of comfort and encouragement. You are so appreciated. I can't thank you enough. You guys really warmed my heart. Thank you for your prayers too.

Sorry if this bores you (I hope not). Just evaluating the whole breakdown of my most recent relationship. I have to laugh at how thickle women I've been.

I did my hair. In fact I always did my EVERYTHING before flying out to see him. My hair, nails, eyebrows, all brand new outfits, shoes. The whole works. Hahaha! And when we saw I don't ever (apart from our very first meeting - where he made a major fuss) remember him saying "you look nice/pretty/beautiful/good". Nope. After all that effort. What a waste!

I remember so carefully selecting my outfits for each day. And dude never even gave me props. Maybe he meant to, or maybe he said it to himself, but he never said it to me. Or maybe with all my efforts, I just didn't do it for him. Perhaps because his focus was elsewhere or on something else. Only God knows. Me on the other hand was way too expressive with compliments and appreciation (I read somewhere that men need validation too. Lol). Maybe that's where I went wrong. Didn't hold back enough. Don't get me wrong, I did the whole chaste thing at the beginning of the relationship. I was coy and everything. But as soon as we were a couple, I stopped all that "pretending". My attitude was "hey! I like you and I want you to know it". Why pretend any longer? Tell me guys, am I right or am I wrong? Are we (as women) supposed to keep on pretending? For example, if I think he looks particularly gorgeous in that suit, should I just say "you look aight"? Lol. Help me out will you?

When I was previously single I had envisioned what my "husband" would be like. How he would treat me and how we would both set sparks flying when we're around each other. I wanted someone who would be affected by my walking in the room and vice versa. Someone who gets me and whom I really get too. No guess work, just straight up understanding.

So how did I miss the mark so badly? It still baffles me. I think it was because he came pre-approved. Lol! I guess that caused me to let my gaurd down somewhat. I accepted things that I had previously said were no no's. I remember a time we went out to dinner and he was giggling and pulling faces to someone behind me. I thought maybe it was a kid. When I turned around it was a young oyinbo girl (did I mention his ex-wife was oyinbo?). Anyways, I was like "what are you doing?" He was like "nothing, I was just smiling back at someone who was smiling at me". I was a bit enraged but didn't want to make a fool of myself, so I left it at that. At least until later. There was another time we were walking through a shopping mall and he was winking at a couple of oyinbo girls. Again I asked what was up with that. When I approached him about his apparent preference for oyinbo women, he told me I was being silly and overly dramatic. Now I wonder. Was I? Again, only God knows.

I've learned if something appears or seems wrong to you, you should trust yourself. I wouldn't be surprised if I learn in a few years (or less) that he's married to an oyinbo woman. There's nothing wrong with it, but why lie? Why not just be honest with yourself? Kmt. That's just one of my observations and wasn't even the main reason for our split. But now when I think back, I really accepted things I shouldn't have.

On a positive note though: Last weekend I was in a real funk. Little man was with his dad for a few days so I was all alone. On Saturday I barely left my bed. I only left my bed to go to the loo or to grab a bite to eat and even then, I was merely grazing. On Sunday I woke up on time but wasted the morning away. I was meant to get set for church and get there on time. But oh no! there were other things I just had to get done before I left home. Like washing the dishes from the whole weekend and vacuuming the whole flat. These chores suddenly bacame too important and just could not wait until I got back from church. Smh. Church starts at 11am. Guess what time I left home? 11:30am. Smh. On my way I thought to myself, "well God, you should be glad I'm even coming. Because today, I'm just not in the mood". 

I did say on a positive note right? I'll get to that part in a bit...

So back to church. I got to church so late, I only got to hear the last twenty or so minutes of the sermon, the title of which was "Who Do You Think You Are?" In my mind I was like "NOBODY!". then after the service I went to say my hellos and I bumped into one of the pastors. He said he needed to see me as he has something for me. I said ok and carried on my way. He came to find me and gave me an envelope. I was like, what is this? He said someone (who wishes to remain anonymous) told him to give it to me. When I opened the envelope I was overwhelmed. The tears just rolled. The envelope had money in it. I just stood there crying. You see, recently I've had one plumbing issue after the other in my flat. The latest was my kitchen hot water tap had stopped working, leaving me to wash dishes with sometimes ice-cold water. When the blumper came round to see to it he said the parts I needed would cost me £x amount and it needed to be paid upfront before he even touched it. I was like "you know what? Just leave it. I'll manage". The plumber left and I felt like "WHATEVER WORLD! SCREW YOU TOO!!!". 

Now fast forward to Sunday. I'm standing there with this envelope full of money. And guess how much was in the envelope? Yeah you guessed it. The amount required for the parts for the tap. What struck me the most is that I didn't go to Him and ask what I needed. I just thought, I'll get to it when I can afford to, shrugged my shoulders and went back to bed. God is real y'all! I was blown over. His love is truly, truly, truly unconditional. I cried like a baby, a couple of friends hurried around me. One of them thought I was breaking down because of all that had happened so I had to set her straight (in between my tears and gasps for air). She said I think God just wants to reassure you that He will never leave you. And to think of the funk I was in earlier. I was so humbled by that. I'll never forget it.

Well, I'm done rambling. Until next time.

God bless you guys. 


Saturday, 11 February 2012

Never Been Loved...

Yes I know Jesus loves. I'm not doubting that at all. But the title of this post refers to the love of a man.

I have to break it to you at some point...

It saddens me to type this...

I discovered that the so called "love of my life" was nothing but a scam artist - a liar! To say that I've been fooled would be an understatement. Almost three years and I really believed the hype. I can't believe how gullable I was. Really? So blind? Wow is all I can say to that. Talk about not even using my so called female intuition at all. I was waaaaay too trusting. Maybe due to the fact that I was introduced to him by a family member, I simply relied on their opinion way more than I should have.

Well, I just thank God that the truth came out. Yes, I'll be getting that sham of a marriage that took place last July annulled. ASAP!!! Oh the lies I've been told. Smh.

So this has made me seriously assess myself. Was I so desperate to be a Mrs that I totally ignored the "signs"? Really Buki? Smh! What's so terrible about being a single mum? To think I recall him saying "once a woman is passed 30 her options are limited". He said it as a joke. We both laughed it off. But looking back I now realise he was very serious. I think he was trying to tell me something and I completely missed the point. What a cheek! And, don't I feel slow. Hindsight is such an eye-opener. Grrrrr!

This blog is not going to be about my relationship woes. I refuse to make it so! But I thought I should just let it out. It's good therapy. I was going to remove all traces of him from my blog, but I decided against that. Gonna leave them up as scars I can look back and remember how I got here. After all, the scars we bare on our bodies remind us of where we've been. So I'll be leaving the scars on my blog to remind me where I've been. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I won't bore you with all the details (I'm sure you all want to know, but maybe when I'm not so sore and soar about it all, I'll share. Maybe).

So what now? I know all the loose ends aren't tied. Still anticipating the traditional sit down with mine and his family with their "hope" for reconciliation. But there's no way I can plan my life with a liar. And to add insult to injury, he's continued with the lies since I backed off. I'm left lost for words.

What I do know is that I've heard and totally trusted another human being more than myself for the very last time. The annoying thing about this whole thing is when we first met, I was caught completely off guard. It was through emails. I just kept receiving  emails from this random dude that I had no apparent connection to. My mum finally fessed up that it was through my aunt she got to know him. My initial reaction was "thank you very much, but I'm not interested". And after our first telephone conversation, I remember thinking he was a bit too cocky, too arrogant and way too sure of himself. My aunt persuaded me (with much aggression I must add) to give him a chance and under her advice, I thought "ok, let's see where this goes". I didn't know my compliance would just leave me susceptible to so many lies. When we finally met he had the gift of the gab. Said all the right things, did all the right things. He was really good. Practically swept me off my feet. In fact when I think of it, he was just too good to be true. Of course when I look back all the signs were there from day dot. But I ignored them all, or convinced myself I was being too cynical. I didn't want my past experience to rob me of my "future". Now I know past experiences are there to learn from and proceed with CAUTION!

Maybe I thought this was my last chance. I was starting to believe that old saying, "you better get married now or else you will be left on the shelf". Well right now that old shelf looks pretty cosy to me. Right now, I don't mind that old shelf at all.

Honestly, I have no one else to blame but myself. I'm sad and I feel like such a fool. I don't know how I will recover from this. Especially because it really does feel so self inflicted. I mean, it feels like I walked into fire or off the edge of a cliff with my eyes wide open. And to be really, really, really honest, I didn't really consult God enough about this guy. I just believed what he had to say and what my aunt (and a few other people) had to say about him. And we know that there's so much more to a person than what the naked eye can see.

Well, lesson learned I guess.

So this is why I've been absent from this blog. I'm trying to deal with this. I know I'll come through the other side. I hope I can look back on this and have a good laugh at myself (one day). But right now I'm just licking my wounds (again).

Pray for me folks. Please.

Until next time.