Saturday, 11 February 2012

Never Been Loved...

Yes I know Jesus loves. I'm not doubting that at all. But the title of this post refers to the love of a man.

I have to break it to you at some point...

It saddens me to type this...

I discovered that the so called "love of my life" was nothing but a scam artist - a liar! To say that I've been fooled would be an understatement. Almost three years and I really believed the hype. I can't believe how gullable I was. Really? So blind? Wow is all I can say to that. Talk about not even using my so called female intuition at all. I was waaaaay too trusting. Maybe due to the fact that I was introduced to him by a family member, I simply relied on their opinion way more than I should have.

Well, I just thank God that the truth came out. Yes, I'll be getting that sham of a marriage that took place last July annulled. ASAP!!! Oh the lies I've been told. Smh.

So this has made me seriously assess myself. Was I so desperate to be a Mrs that I totally ignored the "signs"? Really Buki? Smh! What's so terrible about being a single mum? To think I recall him saying "once a woman is passed 30 her options are limited". He said it as a joke. We both laughed it off. But looking back I now realise he was very serious. I think he was trying to tell me something and I completely missed the point. What a cheek! And, don't I feel slow. Hindsight is such an eye-opener. Grrrrr!

This blog is not going to be about my relationship woes. I refuse to make it so! But I thought I should just let it out. It's good therapy. I was going to remove all traces of him from my blog, but I decided against that. Gonna leave them up as scars I can look back and remember how I got here. After all, the scars we bare on our bodies remind us of where we've been. So I'll be leaving the scars on my blog to remind me where I've been. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I won't bore you with all the details (I'm sure you all want to know, but maybe when I'm not so sore and soar about it all, I'll share. Maybe).

So what now? I know all the loose ends aren't tied. Still anticipating the traditional sit down with mine and his family with their "hope" for reconciliation. But there's no way I can plan my life with a liar. And to add insult to injury, he's continued with the lies since I backed off. I'm left lost for words.

What I do know is that I've heard and totally trusted another human being more than myself for the very last time. The annoying thing about this whole thing is when we first met, I was caught completely off guard. It was through emails. I just kept receiving  emails from this random dude that I had no apparent connection to. My mum finally fessed up that it was through my aunt she got to know him. My initial reaction was "thank you very much, but I'm not interested". And after our first telephone conversation, I remember thinking he was a bit too cocky, too arrogant and way too sure of himself. My aunt persuaded me (with much aggression I must add) to give him a chance and under her advice, I thought "ok, let's see where this goes". I didn't know my compliance would just leave me susceptible to so many lies. When we finally met he had the gift of the gab. Said all the right things, did all the right things. He was really good. Practically swept me off my feet. In fact when I think of it, he was just too good to be true. Of course when I look back all the signs were there from day dot. But I ignored them all, or convinced myself I was being too cynical. I didn't want my past experience to rob me of my "future". Now I know past experiences are there to learn from and proceed with CAUTION!

Maybe I thought this was my last chance. I was starting to believe that old saying, "you better get married now or else you will be left on the shelf". Well right now that old shelf looks pretty cosy to me. Right now, I don't mind that old shelf at all.

Honestly, I have no one else to blame but myself. I'm sad and I feel like such a fool. I don't know how I will recover from this. Especially because it really does feel so self inflicted. I mean, it feels like I walked into fire or off the edge of a cliff with my eyes wide open. And to be really, really, really honest, I didn't really consult God enough about this guy. I just believed what he had to say and what my aunt (and a few other people) had to say about him. And we know that there's so much more to a person than what the naked eye can see.

Well, lesson learned I guess.

So this is why I've been absent from this blog. I'm trying to deal with this. I know I'll come through the other side. I hope I can look back on this and have a good laugh at myself (one day). But right now I'm just licking my wounds (again).

Pray for me folks. Please.

Until next time.



  1. Ms Buki! You are strong. Please do not be so hard on yourself. Remain strong and of good courage. You've got your little man and that is a wonderful reason to NOT feel down.

    God is with you Ms Buki.

  2. awwwww hugs! Don't worry, the pain will heal and you will move on :). I'll say a prayer for you

  3. Ms. Buki! I'll pray for you. Time will heal the pain. Plenty hugs for you this morning.

  4. I will be praying for you..really sorry to hear you are going through a tough you girl..Hugs!

  5. *speechless* Bear Hug! I am so sorry about all this and what you have to go through. I will keep you prayers...Thank God for helping you realize all this and staying strong..Hugs!

  6. It would be ignorant of me to attempt to give you an advice based on the fact that your first hand experience had given you a Ph.D
    What I can do is understand, events like these happen so fast you miss the obvious signs as you go for the ride only for you to see the picture clearly when it stopped! But you'll be alright and the worst decision you could make is to isolate yourself from (unjudgemental) friends and people who read your blog.
    Prayer would definitely make the healing smooth and you might be surprised, it would heal leaving no scar behind.

  7. I dont even know what to say. The pain you are feeling cant be easy at all. Three whole years? Am sooo sorry...
    God will comfort you, cos only He can

  8. I trust you have all the details to help you make this difficult decision. It can't be easy at all. All the best, dear. It shall be well.

  9. Thank you all for you words of comfort and encouragement all. Really, really, really appreciate you guys! xoxoxox

  10. :( SAD face.....

    cant say much other than, God time is the best and may his love and peace pour through your heart and give u strength to carry on..

    I pray he continues to direct us and lead us right.

    I do feel like you have to be so encouraged to step into a new relationship after ur baby's dad relationship. Since my dad left mum ages ago she took us and made us her world and forgot about men ohh(that was a personal decision she made and she is reaping the rewards, AMEN)...

    I have experienced heartbreak too and my best remedy was and still is (taking a break and working on myself not that I am crap but life is a learning process).

    Nobody wants to be alone but its important to understand everything in life happens in stages and things need to happen in their own time. I feel like you need your healing as in purging and only God can do that (and contentment at every stage is key).

    I guarantee you by faith through Christ that you will get married to the right one that will blow your head away literally. Watch the space...but you have to do it God's way sha...

    Hope you are better... I ended up writing an essay (that me 4 u ohh lol).

  11. You'll be fine. Please cry if you need to cry. I can't imagine what you are going through but just reassure yourself that each day brings you closer to complete happiness. You'll be fine. "Consider the birds of the air, they neither sow nor reap yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't you of more value than they?"