Monday, 16 November 2015

How Do You See Yourself?

When you look in the mirror, what do you see?
Do you take yourself seriously?
(Ahhh, that rhymes!)

But seriously? Do you?

At the tender age of 30 (ahem), sometimes I still feel like a teenage girl. Like I've not really grown up. Not that I've not grown up, but that I don't see a grown woman looking back at me. I see this young girl still trying to grow into her own skin. When do you actually start to feel grown up?

And the worst thing is seeing all these young girls in their mid-twenties that really seem to have it all figured out. What is wrong with me? Lol.

I know and appreciate the expression "you're only as old as you feel", but I want to feel my age. I want to feel grown. When does that feeling kick in?

Is it tied into accomplishments? Academic accolades? Acquisition of big priced products (like owning your own home or buying your dream car)? Or achieving major career goals? If that's the case I should feel halfway there right? Having a couple of those things under my belt. But I just don't feel like I'm there.

And then there's the issue of taking myself seriously. Like really believing in myself, even if no one else does. Please tell I'm not the only one who feels like this, at least some of the time. Is this linked to low self-esteem? Hmmmm.

Ok, if that's the case, I need ideas in bringing my self-esteem up. Where do I start? I want to feel strong from the inside out. It's all well and good looking well put together on the outside, but it's what's on the inside that counts me thinks.

I think it's time to read a few self-help books. Any recommendations? Your help is very much appreciated.

Do have an awesome week!

Buki x

Sunday, 1 November 2015

Hello November

Well hello to one of my favourite months of the year, simply because it's my birth month!

I pray November is good to us all. I have to say October was a really tough month for me. I struggled and struggled through. So much so that on the 29th of October I kept saying to myself "we made it!". Seriously, several times through the day I caught myself saying that.

With the kids return to school in September and all the expenses that come with that, not to mention due payments for major school trips in both September and October, I had to forgo a lot of luxuries. By the time mid October hit, I knew it was going to be one of those months where there's more month left at the end of the money.

Finances aside, I had to search my soul about a few other things too. I think October brought me up a bit. I learned a few lessons in self-acceptance and self-respect. One such lesson is to let God find me my mate. I'm tired of the so-called "search". And if I don't get "presented" to the one, will it be so bad? I mean, there's a lot I can do and enjoy on my own jare.

Being a single mum has got to be one of the hardest things in the world. You have no one to turn to. Even if you have a great support system, how many times can I cry to them that this thing is hard. I am someone that finds it extremely hard to ask for help (I am working on it o), so for me to turn around and ask for help, I don't take "no" very lightly. Simply because it took a lot to ask in the first place. Well, in August I found myself turning for help from someone who should have been ready at a moment's notice. I won't embarrass them by saying exactly who it was, but he didn't even afford me the pleasure of a response. I didn't want to go crying to my daddy so I cried to my Daddy (God) about it.

Things got harder and harder. Money needed left right and centre for one course or the other. It was getting too much sef. I found myself asking God if He even heard me?? Like, what the heck is all this??

Well, the last week in October, just before I truly snapped, He sent help In the form of good friends that just wanted to bless me. Two of my good friends decided to do a big shop for me. Come and see 4 litre bottle of oil, bags of rice galore, pasta repete, boxed juices, snacks, tinned tomatoes, frozen foods, chicken, beef mince. You name it, I think they bought it. (God bless you girls! xoxox).

I then called the Child Support Agency with a few questions, not expecting much more than simple answers. They said I am due arrears, some I'm already aware of, but there's even more than that on top. God is not asleep!

Then today at church, the Pastor slipped me an envelope. He said "this was waiting for you in the office this week". I said thank you sir, took it and ran off to join the choir. I decided I would open it when I got home. When I opened it guess what was in it? Yep, you guessed it. Money! God is not asleep! He will send help!

So, now November is upon us and I am expectant. I'm expecting good things. And I want to be a blessing too. Not every time receiver of blessing. Abi?

May God grant us all a fruitful November!

Have a blessed week (and month!) ahead peeps.

Buki. xox